I just had one of those moments where it felt like I have everything figured out.
I was inside tidying and Braedon, obviously bored, brought me his shoes and demanded I put them on. In Braedon-speak, that means it's time to go outside. It had rained all morning, but the sun had managed to pillage its way through the clouds, causing that early fall light/dark effect that I love. Braedon quickly found a couple of sticks that suited his fancy, and, much to my surprise and their pleasure, began to antagonize the cats with them. I watched as waved his stick around, giggling every time a cat pounced, and I felt at peace. Simple Kid was playing from the stereo inside, and I could feel the fall breeze parting way around my cheeks.
Inside, I knew I had 3 loads of laundry waiting to be folded, a sink full of dirty dishes, a sticky floor, (counter, table, and anything else in Braedon's reach,) and an unmade bed. Still, everything in my life at that moment felt perfect.
I decided then that I am not a schedule person. In fact, I have felt like a complete failure for the last two weeks because I just. Can't. Stick. To. A schedule. I just can't. In fact, the self-inflicted depression this caused led me to be even LESS productive than usual! I have been working and dreaming of living a perfect, organized, chaos free life. I read about the successes of others who have put some kind of routine behind their daily living and flourished as a result. I thought I could be one of them. I don't think I can.
I am a good mother. A good wife. I know these things. I am proud of these things. I am not saying there aren't areas in my life that need improvement, because of course there are. I just think I am not going about it in the right way. I think the schedule thing I have been working on has caused me to lose sight of the priorities in my life.
You gotta know when to fold 'em, right?
It's time for something new.
It's time to put what REALLY matters first. God, myself, my husband, and my son. I need to rededicate myself to all of the above. These are the things that bring me peace and satisfaction, not a clean house. A clean house is NOT worth giving those other things up for. I have a feeling I will be surprised how much easier it will be to keep my house in order once my priorities are in order.
I miss attending church and worshiping God. I love worshiping. I feel empty without it. After a while, though, I get used to that emptiness and start to blame it on other things; sometimes even on Jordon and Braedon.
Instead of a schedule, I now vow to be true to myself. To be honest with myself about what is bothering me and what needs to change. I blame my feelings on the wrong things regularly, try to change those things, and feel just as unsatisfied. Hmm... wonder why...
Now on to a pregnancy update! Our second appointment is on the 3rd, and I can't wait. I am one of those hippie minimalist chicks when it comes to pregnancy and birth, so we will only be getting one ultrasound to find out what the sex will be, and that is still a ways off. BUT- I will be well over 12 weeks at our next appointment, which means we will be able to hear the heart beat! YAY!!
The pregnancy itself is going incredibly smooth. I kid you not, if I thought I could do it emotionally, I'd totally be a surrogate mother. All of the ailments that many women have to put up with, I do not. In fact, some things improve! I don't have to be diligent with my face washing when I'm pregnant, because my skin becomes flawless. My constant battle with constipation disappears, and I can "go" with blissful regularity. Sure, I am tired a lot, but now that Braedon is on a regular nap schedule, (the ONE schedule I have stuck to and been successful at,) I can get in a good nap during the day which helps. Oh, and my sex drive increases, which is always kinda fun.
More pregnancy stuff later. I have a lot of mini-blogs I want to write on the topic, but right now Braedon is piling books into my lap and they are beginning to spill onto the floor. In Braedon-speak that means, obviously, he wants to be read to. The laundry can wait. My blog can wait. My boy shouldn't have to.
* My blog quote is one my dad gave me YEARS ago, but I forget who said it. It is the only quote that has ever really stuck with me for so long.
Mom The Magnificent Tantrum Tamer
The second I brought Braedon in from outside, muddy, wet, and hyper, he began to cry. Obviously he was not ready for this evening adventure to end, but it was time. With the help of Jordon, Braedon was stripped down to his onesie in record time, and was once again happy playing in the sink with the stream of warm water I allowed him to control. Once clean, I dried off his arms and legs and attempted to put him down.
He then proceeded to throw his very first, full fledged, death defying, seizure rivaling, tantrum.
He flopped on the ground, legs and arms flailing, screaming and crying. It would have been comical the way his big belly bounced forward with every flail, but the noise coming out of my sweet little boy deafened any amusement there was to be found. My first instinct was to close all of the windows, and I feel guilty to admit that the thought I found running through my head most frequently was what will the neighbors think?
Then, as I was busy worrying about my already sunken social standing in this neighborhood of crotchety geezers plummeting even further, Braedon began to intentionally and violently bang his head against the pantry door.
Panic would have struck, but survival mode took over, and I felt almost like I was traveling out of my body. His cries seemed farther away, and the emotions I felt just moments ago turned into a clear thinking mind, racing through all of the books, magazines, and websites I have ever read. I remember reading that giving into a tantrum like this will just cause the next one to be worse. Dear God, I did NOT want that. But what else? I had always skipped over the "tantrum" sections, because I was naive enough to think that the last 15 months of good behavior from my angel would last forever! Heh.
He would not let me hold him. Not even close. No sweet nothings whispered in his ear or petting or rocking would get the flailing to stop, so I brought him in the middle of the living room that was door and wall free with carpet from end to end and sat him down.
Then I Googled it.
Oh sweet Google, how I love you. You are always there for me when I need you, and you rarely let me down. I look longingly into your "double oh's" knowing that soon you will make my troubles disappear. You are my friend. My surrogate husband, my medical adviser, my entertainer, my teacher, my gossip buddy, my constant companion. Jordon sometimes jokes about feeling threatened by the likes of Johnny Depp or David Duchovny. (Eew, you say? What can I say, I have been an X-Philer from way back. Don't know what that is? GOOGLE IT!) The truth of the matter is, the only cluster of atoms that could ever replace the spot in my heart for Jordon is my dear old companion Google.
In record time, I ran across a gentle approach to dealing with tantrums. Following the advice found at Ask Dr. Sears, I sat next to Braedon and told him that I knew he was angry at me for bringing him inside, but tantrums are not okay and will be ignored. (Who knew if he even knew what I was saying, but whatever...) Then I let him know that I was right there when he was ready to calm down, and just waited. Finally, after 3,548,754 minutes of tantrum goodness, (or 5, close enough,) Braedon's fit turned into a more relaxed, although just as loud, crying. I took that opportunity to swoop him up into my oh-so-wonderful mommy arms, and bring him onto the couch, where we cuddled until the crying subsided and the only evidence of The Tantrum left was a tear stained face and an occasional whimper.
Whew.
I can only imagine what will come in the years to follow. This whole parenting gig hasn't been half bad so far, but I'm sure feeling as out of control as I felt last night is just a precursor to what is to come.
That night, all night long, I watched as the common cold quickly took over Braedon's chunky little body. This morning he struggled to nurse, and I am sure I ended up with more snot on my boob than he got milk in his mouth...
I take this as a good sign. My hope is that his tantrum was caused in part by the mood-altering virus that had silently snuck in some time that day. (Like, maybe when I was letting him get wet and muddy on the coldest day of the summer? ...Naaah.)
It is things like this that every so often remind me that, yes. I AM somebody's mother. Woah.
He then proceeded to throw his very first, full fledged, death defying, seizure rivaling, tantrum.
He flopped on the ground, legs and arms flailing, screaming and crying. It would have been comical the way his big belly bounced forward with every flail, but the noise coming out of my sweet little boy deafened any amusement there was to be found. My first instinct was to close all of the windows, and I feel guilty to admit that the thought I found running through my head most frequently was what will the neighbors think?
Then, as I was busy worrying about my already sunken social standing in this neighborhood of crotchety geezers plummeting even further, Braedon began to intentionally and violently bang his head against the pantry door.
Panic would have struck, but survival mode took over, and I felt almost like I was traveling out of my body. His cries seemed farther away, and the emotions I felt just moments ago turned into a clear thinking mind, racing through all of the books, magazines, and websites I have ever read. I remember reading that giving into a tantrum like this will just cause the next one to be worse. Dear God, I did NOT want that. But what else? I had always skipped over the "tantrum" sections, because I was naive enough to think that the last 15 months of good behavior from my angel would last forever! Heh.
He would not let me hold him. Not even close. No sweet nothings whispered in his ear or petting or rocking would get the flailing to stop, so I brought him in the middle of the living room that was door and wall free with carpet from end to end and sat him down.
Then I Googled it.
Oh sweet Google, how I love you. You are always there for me when I need you, and you rarely let me down. I look longingly into your "double oh's" knowing that soon you will make my troubles disappear. You are my friend. My surrogate husband, my medical adviser, my entertainer, my teacher, my gossip buddy, my constant companion. Jordon sometimes jokes about feeling threatened by the likes of Johnny Depp or David Duchovny. (Eew, you say? What can I say, I have been an X-Philer from way back. Don't know what that is? GOOGLE IT!) The truth of the matter is, the only cluster of atoms that could ever replace the spot in my heart for Jordon is my dear old companion Google.
In record time, I ran across a gentle approach to dealing with tantrums. Following the advice found at Ask Dr. Sears, I sat next to Braedon and told him that I knew he was angry at me for bringing him inside, but tantrums are not okay and will be ignored. (Who knew if he even knew what I was saying, but whatever...) Then I let him know that I was right there when he was ready to calm down, and just waited. Finally, after 3,548,754 minutes of tantrum goodness, (or 5, close enough,) Braedon's fit turned into a more relaxed, although just as loud, crying. I took that opportunity to swoop him up into my oh-so-wonderful mommy arms, and bring him onto the couch, where we cuddled until the crying subsided and the only evidence of The Tantrum left was a tear stained face and an occasional whimper.
Whew.
I can only imagine what will come in the years to follow. This whole parenting gig hasn't been half bad so far, but I'm sure feeling as out of control as I felt last night is just a precursor to what is to come.
That night, all night long, I watched as the common cold quickly took over Braedon's chunky little body. This morning he struggled to nurse, and I am sure I ended up with more snot on my boob than he got milk in his mouth...
I take this as a good sign. My hope is that his tantrum was caused in part by the mood-altering virus that had silently snuck in some time that day. (Like, maybe when I was letting him get wet and muddy on the coldest day of the summer? ...Naaah.)
It is things like this that every so often remind me that, yes. I AM somebody's mother. Woah.
No WONDER I've Been So Sensitive...
Tee hee hee hee!!!! Something about finding out again is making me sentimental about the first time around. You can view that post here. Funny thing is, my reaction is pretty much the same, but in a COMPLETELY different way. Know what I mean?! It's fun to find out... and NOT have to worry what the rest of the world will think! WOO HOO!
(You can see that, right?? RIGHT??)
(You can see that, right?? RIGHT??)
Forever The Outcast
So one of "the girls" is coming to visit, and we haven't seen her since last Christmas. She has always been one of the ones I am closest to, despite the fact that I tend to be the black sheep of the group. E-mails have been going back and forward for the last few weeks about where we are going to meet, (a house, a restaurant, etc.) and a few final choices were decided on. THEN... one of the girls decided that perhaps she wanted to go a different direction, and picked this place.
I will not be attending. Not only does it not look kid friendly AT ALL, (and "out of town friend" is DYING to see Braedon,) but we aren't in a place financially to afford a dinner like that. I can't help but to think it is a bit rude and insensitive of this friend to pick this place. It is totally her kind of place, though, so it shouldn't surprise me... as for the rest of us, we could care less! I suggested a pizza parlor because our group is around 20 people, it's cheap, and we can be as loud and obnoxious as we want. It was well received by some, but I guess just not good enough for others. Oh well. Guess I'll just have to see her NEXT Christmas! Grr....
I will not be attending. Not only does it not look kid friendly AT ALL, (and "out of town friend" is DYING to see Braedon,) but we aren't in a place financially to afford a dinner like that. I can't help but to think it is a bit rude and insensitive of this friend to pick this place. It is totally her kind of place, though, so it shouldn't surprise me... as for the rest of us, we could care less! I suggested a pizza parlor because our group is around 20 people, it's cheap, and we can be as loud and obnoxious as we want. It was well received by some, but I guess just not good enough for others. Oh well. Guess I'll just have to see her NEXT Christmas! Grr....
Night #2
Last night was our second night of following our new night time routine, and implementing some of the tips on how to get Braedon to sleep longer, and not nurse so much at night.
For the second night in a row, he slept two 4 hour stretches with only a 5 minute nursing session each wake up! WOO HOO! That is a big deal, compared to the 2 hours of continuous sleep with 10 minutes of nursing... Then he slept another 3.5 hours, giving him an official full night's sleep! The book stresses that a change like this takes time, but Braedon must have been ready to get into a good sleep routine because he is adapting like a pro!
Some of the changes we have made are:
For the second night in a row, he slept two 4 hour stretches with only a 5 minute nursing session each wake up! WOO HOO! That is a big deal, compared to the 2 hours of continuous sleep with 10 minutes of nursing... Then he slept another 3.5 hours, giving him an official full night's sleep! The book stresses that a change like this takes time, but Braedon must have been ready to get into a good sleep routine because he is adapting like a pro!
Some of the changes we have made are:
- Getting him on a regular eating schedule throughout the day and paying attention to the foods he eats before it's time for bed. (Breakfast at 9:00, Lunch at 12:00, snacks, Dinner at 5:00.)
- An hour of quiet time before his nighttime routine. No wrestling, (or minimal, 'cause Jordon has no self control,) no TV, no music, dim the lights.
- Gradually dimming the lights throughout our nighttime routine. I THINK THIS ONE HAS MADE THE BIGGEST DIFFERENCE! It is crazy how trained our brains can become.
- Putting him to sleep in the pitch black. No night light. I thought he was going to hate this, but I think it is one of the things that is keeping him asleep longer at night.
- NOT allowing him to nurse to sleep. It was WAY easier than I thought it was going to be.
- During the night, pulling him off the boob before he is back asleep and comforting him back to sleep. Also easier than I thought it was going to be.
- When he wakes up in the morning and from naps, spending some quality cuddle time with him. Don't know if this makes any kind of difference or not, but it sure feels good to take a mandatory time out from the day to cuddle with the little guy!
A Portrait Of Myself
Okay, I am sitting down and doing this NOW as a part of the new "just do it" philosophy I am trying to own. In Making A Living Without A Job, a series of fill-in-the-blanks exhists under the heading "A Portrait Of Yourself". So here goes!:
I feel terrific when I complete a project (usually artistic in nature) and it turns out how I wanted it to!
I feel terrific when I spend time with my girlfriends, out DOING something.
To me, the future looks like a big black hole. I can see parts of what I would LIKE it to look like, but it seems more like a fantasy than reality. The parts I see include a studio at home, lots of paints, music, eccentricity, and admiration from my peers. :p
The best thing I ever did was marry my husband and have my son. And not give up on nursing.
I wish I could lose my fear of not being good enough, and failing before I start.
I know I have the talent to make stuff with my hands and artistic ability that other people admire.
I enjoy people who motivate me to get off my butt by their own accomplishments.
I admire people who can JUST DO IT!
I feel most productive when the house is clean, and my mind is clear. When I have structure.
I am motivated by the feeling of accomplishment. Finishing.
I almost never do anything that takes effort or strain on my part. (Non child related, obviously.)
I laugh at my son, my friends, my husband, my dad. Silly people make me laugh.
My idea of fun is hanging out somewhere other than home, taking in the surroundings and having meaningful conversation. Alcohol optional. ;)
Work is exciting when I am given a project because I am known as the "creative" one; also when I connect personally with a customer. (Going back to when I worked at the bank.)
The best advice I ever got was "Failure is success... if we learn from it." WHY DON'T I LIVE BY IT THEN???
The thing I value most is my family and my natural abilities.
If money were no object, I would buy a ton of art supplies and dabble in different mediums ALL day.
It's easy for me to focus on assigned projects. If I am TOLD what to do, you better believe I'm gunna do a damn good job!
My imagination is lost. I used to have a great one, I know it is still there somewhere...
When I talk about myself, I don't try to sound too accomplished or braggy, for fear that people will thing I am delusional
My idea of a perfect life is relaxing with my family while doing what we love. Going to church as a family on Sundays, going to the beach, reading and playing board games together. Being productive in my alone time doing something I love. Spending time with friends laughing and bonding.
My best days are any day I get to connect on a higher level with either my family, friends, or spouse. I feel rejuvenated those days, and days after.
My dream is... well, I guess I am learning it is to be an arteest. And have a happy family.
I always wanted to write books and make art.
I look forward to expanding my family and becoming financially secure.
I spend too much time ON THE FREAKIN' COMPUTER DOING NOTHING PRODUCTIVE!!!!
When I try to change something, I do it haphazardly, usually ending in failure.
The thing my friends like about me is my goofiness, bold honesty, and positivity. (pfft, I am suck a fake...)
I would have more fun if I got out more and started DOING.
In a group I like to make people laugh, be near the center of attention for positive things, be noticed.
If I ever win a prize it will be for some kind of art contest.
Wow, I didn't think I was actually going to get something out of that. I bet a lot of my readers didn't even KNOW I was artistically inclined! That's because it hasn't been an active part of who I am living as in YEARS. I guess I miss it! Hmm....
What's weird is art is usually an independent endeavor. A lot of my questions had answers that were social in nature. So... where does that leave me? Either/or?
.
I feel terrific when I complete a project (usually artistic in nature) and it turns out how I wanted it to!
I feel terrific when I spend time with my girlfriends, out DOING something.
To me, the future looks like a big black hole. I can see parts of what I would LIKE it to look like, but it seems more like a fantasy than reality. The parts I see include a studio at home, lots of paints, music, eccentricity, and admiration from my peers. :p
The best thing I ever did was marry my husband and have my son. And not give up on nursing.
I wish I could lose my fear of not being good enough, and failing before I start.
I know I have the talent to make stuff with my hands and artistic ability that other people admire.
I enjoy people who motivate me to get off my butt by their own accomplishments.
I admire people who can JUST DO IT!
I feel most productive when the house is clean, and my mind is clear. When I have structure.
I am motivated by the feeling of accomplishment. Finishing.
I almost never do anything that takes effort or strain on my part. (Non child related, obviously.)
I laugh at my son, my friends, my husband, my dad. Silly people make me laugh.
My idea of fun is hanging out somewhere other than home, taking in the surroundings and having meaningful conversation. Alcohol optional. ;)
Work is exciting when I am given a project because I am known as the "creative" one; also when I connect personally with a customer. (Going back to when I worked at the bank.)
The best advice I ever got was "Failure is success... if we learn from it." WHY DON'T I LIVE BY IT THEN???
The thing I value most is my family and my natural abilities.
If money were no object, I would buy a ton of art supplies and dabble in different mediums ALL day.
It's easy for me to focus on assigned projects. If I am TOLD what to do, you better believe I'm gunna do a damn good job!
My imagination is lost. I used to have a great one, I know it is still there somewhere...
When I talk about myself, I don't try to sound too accomplished or braggy, for fear that people will thing I am delusional
My idea of a perfect life is relaxing with my family while doing what we love. Going to church as a family on Sundays, going to the beach, reading and playing board games together. Being productive in my alone time doing something I love. Spending time with friends laughing and bonding.
My best days are any day I get to connect on a higher level with either my family, friends, or spouse. I feel rejuvenated those days, and days after.
My dream is... well, I guess I am learning it is to be an arteest. And have a happy family.
I always wanted to write books and make art.
I look forward to expanding my family and becoming financially secure.
I spend too much time ON THE FREAKIN' COMPUTER DOING NOTHING PRODUCTIVE!!!!
When I try to change something, I do it haphazardly, usually ending in failure.
The thing my friends like about me is my goofiness, bold honesty, and positivity. (pfft, I am suck a fake...)
I would have more fun if I got out more and started DOING.
In a group I like to make people laugh, be near the center of attention for positive things, be noticed.
If I ever win a prize it will be for some kind of art contest.
Wow, I didn't think I was actually going to get something out of that. I bet a lot of my readers didn't even KNOW I was artistically inclined! That's because it hasn't been an active part of who I am living as in YEARS. I guess I miss it! Hmm....
What's weird is art is usually an independent endeavor. A lot of my questions had answers that were social in nature. So... where does that leave me? Either/or?
.
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