I snap at Braedon as he interrupts me from the back seat on the way to school, his sweet, curious voice sending me into silent convulsions of frustration. I am too busy mentally obsessing to be bothered with his observations on the weather.
Stress. Stress coming out of my ears. Coral has her birthday party on the fourth. Braedon has T-ball tryouts on the 12th. Yes, tryouts. For T-ball. On the 19th I am co-hosting a baby shower at my house for one of my amazing blossom bellied friends. But these things don't bring me stress.
The stress is from within.
We are given certain traits, personalities. We are born with them and it is up to us to mold them in a way we see fit. I think they call it "free will." It is hard. It's a struggle to always be changing, because personal change means admitting that there was something wrong with us before.
I spend most of the thirty minute drive thinking about this. It was the vlogging that did it. I keep going over and over the things I said or didn't say. I worry about how I looked. I wonder how I was perceived. And the thing that bothers me most is that I am even giving these superficial concerns the time of day. I am who I am, and I am (usually) okay with this.
The root of the problem is that I don't know who I want to BE. Where is vlogging taking me? Or blogging, or motherhood, or womanhood, or life. Where am I headed? And what more should I be doing to get there? Thinking, thinking, thinking myself into circles.
It was the guilt I felt over my outburst that led me to shoot a quick "give me patience" prayer off to God, which He promptly answered for me, old school analogy style.
As I was shoveling my burdens into God's lap, chucking them at him one at a time, I imagined Him picking them all up. I could see him gathering my colorful building blocks of experience, personality, thought, ambition, deeds, fear. All of these things that I have and don't know what to do with. They just clutter the floor of my life, making navigation painful. (Have you ever stepped on a Lego?) So I take them and I try to build something with my blocks, but I am no architect so my tower falls over time after time. I am so preoccupied with trying to make something beautiful out of these blocks that I don't notice anything else. The sweet interaction between brothers, missed. The two independent steps taken by Coral, missed. A few brief moments of precious sun light through the dreadful clouds of winter, missed. And for what? A pile of blocks.
So today I took those blocks, and gave them away. All of them. They are mine, they'll alway be mine but I don't know what to do with them. God does. He will take those blocks for me and he will build the big picture only He can see.
While he is doing that, I will be taking care of the things He wants me to be responsible for. My kids, my family. My Vitamin D intake. Life. The things He has entrusted me with.
When He is ready and my future unfolds, it will be greater than anything I could have accomplished on my own. All because I gave Him my blocks.