On Being Emo and how it Affects My Marriage

February is a rough month for me. My skin is pale, my lips are dry, and my thirst for some sun and warmth is desperate to be quenched. I know there are ways to help the inevitable SAD that hits me every year. Go tanning, eat right, exercise, pop vitamin D3 like candy. I know these things and I do them and they help. They help me stay afloat, but I'm still drowning. They help like water wings in a stormy sea.

I'm embarrassed by it because it sounds so stupid to say "I am sad because it's February." Lame. At the same time, I have accepted it. Accepting it has helped me take the pressure off of myself to be happy. It's okay to not be happy all the time. It's okay to want to sleep until noon and fill up on carbs and Vampire Diaries. It will pass. In the meantime, it's okay to feed the SAD and maybe even enjoy it in the process. Sometimes I wonder if SAD actually has an intention. I wonder if it is a time created by the world and our minds and our bodies to reflect. Be still. Quiet.

It's not okay to indulge in stillness and self-reflection in this society. Particularly if there is a family depending on you to keep your shit together.

I'm not doing a very good job of keeping my shit together.

Our church is doing a series on relationships. Last week it was said that there are no marriage problems. There are only "he" problems and "she" problems (or "he/he", "she/she") that bleed into the marriage. I've been obsessed with this idea ever since. I have seen it at work in our own marriage.

Exhibit A:
Jordon mentioned a few days ago that I should get my hair done before we go on our mini-vacation. A benign comment? Most likely. I smiled and agreed and cried myself to sleep. I felt frumpy and worn-out, undesirable and old. I felt like a stereotype. The Housewife stereotype. The kind they bring on the Maury show in her husband's sweats and knots in their hair and no make-up. The residue of these feeling carried on well into Exhibit B.

Exhibit B:
Jordon passed up the opportunity to spend a month in New York to open a new branch of his job. Then he carried on about how cool it would be to spend a month alone in New York. Jealousy struck me anvil from the sky style, unexpected and unwanted. I wouldn't go so far as to call it resentment. Just jealous of the idea of the possibility of something different. If I left this house for a week, nevermind a month, SHIT WOULD FALL APART. I'm responsible for it all and that is of my own doing, but every now and then I wonder how I let it get that way. Jordon sensed my anger, took it personally, and didn't talk to me for the rest of the night.

Exhibit C:
Last night Jordon mentioned how excited he was to go on our trip so we could connect like we did before we had kids. Now... I'm already feeling ugly and suffocated, so imagine the idea that the Now me isn't good enough for him. (For me.) Am I only worthy of connecting with when I'm not being the ol' ball and chain?

At this point I cry, we non-productively fight, and go to bed without spooning.

It's a mess.

It's a mess because Jordon doesn't understand what it is like to be subject to intense emotional swings. He doesn't believe me when I say I can't control how I process his comments. He says I am always looking for a fight, which of course makes me feel even more like the bitchy wife every man dreads.

It takes me a long time to process my emotions. It takes me a while to realize why a certain comment or action hurts me. Jordon doesn't have that kind of patience. He wants it all to be okay so we can get back to our regularly scheduled programming.

I don't work that way.

I need him to be patient and kind. Mostly patient. NOT his forte.

Then I remember, marriage problems are just "he" problems and "she" problems.

So I take this and I think on it and I wonder what I can do to keep my "she" problems from creating "us" problems. THIS is where I get stuck. Where the damn record skips over and over and over again, creating the endless cycle listed above.  Maybe the cycle is just doomed to repeat itself every February to April. Maybe one day I will stumble on the answer and will I be cured. Or at least a be little more tolerable. Maybe I'll move to Florida. Maybe.

In the meantime...

I think I'm going to go blonde.


Nicole said...

I love your writing.

Anonymous said...

Maybe the answer is for YOU to go to NY every Feb. for a month.lol
If you want to feel hot {slutty}and young get some blond and black going on.

When in doubt color your hair,... now that we almost have control over.


grace & stella said...

as D would say: "Venus and Mars! Venus and Mars!" I never really wanted to believe it but the older I get.... girls night soon? maybe a girls night soon-ish would help?

L. said...

I think your husband and my husband are cut from the same cloth--he expects things to be settled all nice and quick and well, that's just not the way that I work. I think you'd make a pretty awesome blonde--go for it!

Sabrina Katherine said...

I also love your writing. It's funny and touching all at once.

SAD blows, and it sucks more because we choose to live here. As far as the delayed emotional analysis, I'm the same way. Thankfully Tory knows how to put up with crazy. But I've made a deal with myself that I will at least tell him what I'm feeling, how I know it's unproductive, and how I'm working on it. Sometimes the silence that we leave them in while we think about it is harder than fighting.

God speed. And if you ever want to tour around NYC for a month, please call me. I'm coming with you in your luggage.

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Danimo said...

So, I just started a blog today... In the process, I decided I should follow someone who knows what the hell they are doing with blogs. It looks like you're that person :)

Now, you know my stance on fate/God/whatever... But... Is it coincidence you mentioned my all-time favorite place on earth on the very blog post I found myself reading today? Kelsey, why not come join me in Florida, just for a few days? Come on...You know you wanna!

Web Designer India said...

I appreciate the concern which is been rose. The things need to be sorted out because it is about the individual but it can be with everyone.

Ushi said...

I luv ya writing... nice article.. very touching with the hidden truth..

shannonlahiji said...

I get you. Love this.