I'm embarrassed by it because it sounds so stupid to say "I am sad because it's February." Lame. At the same time, I have accepted it. Accepting it has helped me take the pressure off of myself to be happy. It's okay to not be happy all the time. It's okay to want to sleep until noon and fill up on carbs and Vampire Diaries. It will pass. In the meantime, it's okay to feed the SAD and maybe even enjoy it in the process. Sometimes I wonder if SAD actually has an intention. I wonder if it is a time created by the world and our minds and our bodies to reflect. Be still. Quiet.
It's not okay to indulge in stillness and self-reflection in this society. Particularly if there is a family depending on you to keep your shit together.
I'm not doing a very good job of keeping my shit together.
Our church is doing a series on relationships. Last week it was said that there are no marriage problems. There are only "he" problems and "she" problems (or "he/he", "she/she") that bleed into the marriage. I've been obsessed with this idea ever since. I have seen it at work in our own marriage.
Jordon mentioned a few days ago that I should get my hair done before we go on our mini-vacation. A benign comment? Most likely. I smiled and agreed and cried myself to sleep. I felt frumpy and worn-out, undesirable and old. I felt like a stereotype. The Housewife stereotype. The kind they bring on the Maury show in her husband's sweats and knots in their hair and no make-up. The residue of these feeling carried on well into Exhibit B.
Jordon passed up the opportunity to spend a month in New York to open a new branch of his job. Then he carried on about how cool it would be to spend a month alone in New York. Jealousy struck me anvil from the sky style, unexpected and unwanted. I wouldn't go so far as to call it resentment. Just jealous of the idea of the possibility of something different. If I left this house for a week, nevermind a month, SHIT WOULD FALL APART. I'm responsible for it all and that is of my own doing, but every now and then I wonder how I let it get that way. Jordon sensed my anger, took it personally, and didn't talk to me for the rest of the night.
Last night Jordon mentioned how excited he was to go on our trip so we could connect like we did before we had kids. Now... I'm already feeling ugly and suffocated, so imagine the idea that the Now me isn't good enough for him. (For me.) Am I only worthy of connecting with when I'm not being the ol' ball and chain?
At this point I cry, we non-productively fight, and go to bed without spooning.
It's a mess.
It's a mess because Jordon doesn't understand what it is like to be subject to intense emotional swings. He doesn't believe me when I say I can't control how I process his comments. He says I am always looking for a fight, which of course makes me feel even more like the bitchy wife every man dreads.
It takes me a long time to process my emotions. It takes me a while to realize why a certain comment or action hurts me. Jordon doesn't have that kind of patience. He wants it all to be okay so we can get back to our regularly scheduled programming.
I don't work that way.
I need him to be patient and kind. Mostly patient. NOT his forte.
Then I remember, marriage problems are just "he" problems and "she" problems.
So I take this and I think on it and I wonder what I can do to keep my "she" problems from creating "us" problems. THIS is where I get stuck. Where the damn record skips over and over and over again, creating the endless cycle listed above. Maybe the cycle is just doomed to repeat itself every February to April. Maybe one day I will stumble on the answer and will I be cured. Or at least a be little more tolerable. Maybe I'll move to Florida. Maybe.
In the meantime...
I think I'm going to go blonde.