I Am Right About Everything

It doesn't matter where I go, it's everywhere. I see it when I take the kids to school, grocery shop, and even on TV. In fact, the media seems to glorify such an abomination, making it seem hip and perhaps even trendy to accept such an evil, disgusting lie. It's impossible to shield my children from. This world is spinning wildly out of control as we become desensitized to the truth. Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I see a little bit of it in me, and it's terrifying. This sin of sins, living inside my very flesh, attacking me, making me weak, leading me to eternal damnation. It's something I fight every day. 

Lord help me from becoming; and protect me from; fat people. It is unnatural and wrong. Have you ever seen a fat lion in nature? I don't think so... it's a sin of man, the Bible says so. Gluttony is alluded to nearly 100 times in it. Yet we stand idly by, allowing people to be fat, expecting them to get the same treatment as a normal person, the same rights even. I just don't get it.

Sometimes I hear people talk about Jesus and the things He taught. Things like how important love is, how we are all at fault, not one more than the other, and how we really don't know what the hell we're talking about when it comes to Big Picture God stuff. That may not be a direct quote, I'm not sure, but it's pretty close. I hear them blab on about what a great guy Jesus was, eating with hookers and tax collectors and stuff... but does the Bible ever mention him eating with FAT PEOPLE? I don't think so. It's the one thing- the sin of sins- the one way ticket to hell that just shouldn't be tolerated by anyone. THE BIBLE SAYS SO.

The Bible trumps Jesus, right? Isn't that how it works? I mean if it didn't, that means we'd have to like... love. Even people we disagree with. Even people we think are wrong. Even people we KNOW are wrong. And If I KNOW someone is wrong, but they KNOW I am wrong, they are more wrong than I am because I have almost 100 Bible verses telling them that I am more right than them, and that makes me the winner. Which makes me closer to God. It's not like there's a direct line into God's heart, after all. It's not like we can just open the door and allow Him in, that'd be too easy. We have to prove our worthiness first by pouring over the sins of others and how often and in what ways they are found in the Bible, build a case for our own holiness and the insufficient holiness of others, preach that case as loud and as far as possible, and alienate ourselves from anyone that doesn't accept the Truth. Then and only then will we be holy, fat people be damned.

Jesus himself said that the Old Testament is divinely inspired. After that he goes on to change a bunch of the rules, which, honestly I think is kind of rude. It's like telling a kid, "Get straight A's, pad your resume with volunteer work, shave every day, stand up straight, never do anything wrong ever, and your life will rock." And then they screw up a bunch, and you come back to them again and say "Awe man, nice try, but that was pretty impossible, wasn't it. Did you learn any lessons? Here, try this instead. Love me and others with all of your heart, be thankful for all that you have, and give to others. JUKED YA!" Well, let me tell you something. I can do Plan A better than they could, so I'll just go ahead and stick to that. If you ever need any guidance, please, come to me for advice 'cause I can Google and mangle bible verses, take them out of historical and literary context, and mold them into something entirely new like nobody else. You bet I have all the answers.

And if I had a TV show, and if I chose to spread those answers far and wide through another media outlet, I hope you would all stand behind me and lift me up and sign petitions to keep me on the air, develop memes about me, and tout me as a hero because it is not okay to be fat!

That's what this is all about, after all. Fat people are terrible. Oh, but I'll still be superficially nice to them to their face. Because God is I am awesome like that.


Anonymous said...

Have you seen a psychiatrist? I think you've seriously gone off the deep end.

God also said not to judge anyone, and that's exactly what you're doing.

What you've written is completely absurd, and I'm not even in the overweight category, yet some "skinny" people have more fat content than myself.

Maybe you should stop misconstruing the bible and seek a therapist. It sounds to me like you're the one going to hell. Just saying.

Kelsey said...

Anonymous, I'm sorry you missed the satirical tone of this post. :(

beka said...

it took me about 15 seconds to know what this was about.
(and i can't believe the anonymous didn't catch anything of it at all....that's sad. must not read very much.)

dang, kelsey. i'm with you on all of the above. sigh.

Roxana said...

you should see a shrink. hahahaha!

Anonymous said...

You do realize even if you read this right, and he was judging. The bible tells is not to pridefully judge. We can however judge by the law, ya know the commandments and everything else..